A Certified Intimacy Coach and Educator offers advice on how to get your partner to sex after divorce
Some people are eager to get back on the horse after a divorce and others fear that they won’t be able to. There is no one right or wrong time to start sex after divorce. It’s important to wait until you feel comfortable and take the time to learn about modern sex and dating. The most important question for newly divorced couples is how to get back into sex after the separation. Everyone is different and everyone moves at their own pace.
Before you have sex after divorce, here are some questions to ask
Are you able to process your emotions?
Divorces can be very different and leave you with different levels of emotional turmoil. You may find it helpful to seek therapy or coaching to help with all your emotions.
Are you still blindsided by anger or grief?
Even if you are certain that ending a relationship is the best decision, it’s normal to feel anger or grief. Grief is not about losing a loved one. It’s also about dealing with unmet expectations. These feelings are normal and understandable. However, it is best to allow them to calm down before you move on.
Do you feel guilty about the thought of having sex with another person?
It can be difficult to let go of the belief that flirting is not allowed if you have been in a monogamous relationship for a long time. You can take it slow and be comfortable chatting with other people before moving on to the next step.
Do you feel confident in your own abilities?
Many people become used to thinking of themselves as a part of a larger whole when they are in a long-term relationship. Before adding another person to your life, it’s important that you accept yourself as an individual. Instead of using sex with someone else to boost your confidence, reconnect with old friends and practice skills and hobbies that you are proud of.
If you find someone to have sex,
Trust your gut
It’s easy for someone to feel overwhelmed by the changes in the sex world and how they have dated. Do not allow anyone to exploit your inexperience or vulnerability. Always do a gut check. If it doesn’t feel right then it isn’t. There is no reason to be excited about doing anything.
You are allowed to experiment with new things
You don’t have the right to do anything different or new, but you should if you are interested. Your past experiences with sex don’t have to limit what you can do in the future. There are many sexual options available. Take the time to explore your fantasies, and make your own decisions about what you would like for your pleasure. It is not uncommon for values and interests over time to change.
After divorce, sexual safety
Even if you have been monogamous for a long time, it is advisable to be tested for STIs before starting sex with someone new. You will be able to start your new adventures with knowledge about your sexual health and hopefully, a doctor who is comfortable discussing sexual health issues with you.
You should also get tested even if the results are negative. It’s easier to ask someone who has been tested if they have recent results.
What makes a safe sex conversation?
These are some questions that you might like to ask:
- What were your results when you were last tested?
- What number of partners have you had since then.
- Are those partners tested?
- Have you used barriers with these partners?
- Are you able to have more sex with each new partner?
These questions are important but so is the way they have this conversation. Are they annoyed that you brought this up? Are they offended? Do they seem to have never considered safety before? These reactions can be a red flag.
Sexual safety doesn’t only mean protection against infection, it also means feeling safe. It’s hard to relax and enjoy life when you are anxious about STIs. Good sexual partners will be sensitive to your feelings. They might not be able to make the effort to talk with you about your feelings. It doesn’t matter if you or your potential partner are positive for an STI. Many people can live with STIs and still have sexy lives. It’s important to communicate this information in order to prevent any complications and for everyone to be fully informed.
Sexual communication
Nobody can read minds. If you have been having sex for a while, it’s possible to get used to your partner being able to read your body and preferences. Sexual communication is essential for maximising pleasure. However, it’s even more important when you are having sex with someone new. Prepare to have open and honest conversations with your partner about the type of sex you desire. This means that you need to negotiate in advance and give feedback during sex. Talking during sex can feel overwhelming. Instead of focusing on one thing, choose between “Harder” or “Softer.” “Faster than slower.” “Left-right or left.”
Performance anxiety
It is common for people to have sexual baggage from past relationships. The chemistry and relationship between partners in sex depends on their chemistry. The sex can suffer when a relationship is broken down. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean that one of the partners is “bad” at having sex. Don’t be alarmed if the marital issues you experienced in your marriage continue to affect you with your new partners.
However, it is possible to be anxious about first time sex with a new partner. Stress is the enemy to pleasure. Anxiety can make it hard to feel sexually stimulated or energized. Anxiety can make it harder for your body and mind to achieve the results you desire.
Relationship energy for new relationships
Polyamory refers to the feeling that you get when you are with someone new. This is called New Relationship Energy (NRE). NRE is a powerful tool that can transform your life. It can be very intoxicating to have good sex. You shouldn’t drink or drive while you’re under NRE. Enjoy the sensation! It is amazing to feel desired and enjoy pleasure, especially after a long period.
These feelings do not mean that you should commit to anything at all right away. You should take your time and get to know all the possibilities, before you rush to make that first connection that makes it feel alive again.
You and your ex can have sex after divorce…
It’s more common than you might think to have sex with your ex. The familiarity is comforting. If the sex was not the problem, why not? Although it is possible for ex-partners to be friends with benefits, you should wait until you are over the breakup before you try this. It is easy to slip back into old patterns or make a decision because it seems like the only choice.
You can have sex with your ex-husband, ex-wife, or someone from the past. But make sure that you are clearheaded. It’s a good time to talk with your friends and get their opinions before you bring up the topic.
Additional Resource:
https://www.familymeans.org/effects-of-divorce-on-children.html
https://selfhelp.courts.ca.gov/divorce/start-divorce
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
